My tiny human dropped in for an unexpected visit last night. For really no specific reason at all, just to hang out with her Grammy and Papa for a little while (and demonstrate her latest renderings of a self-taught cartwheel). She can now land on both feet! Sort of. Regardless, this child is a tiny genius in the making. Who cares if she consistently leaves out the number 15 when counting to 20 during Hide-and-Seek. Oh, I don’t need that number, Grammy. Ha! Kindergarten should be fun.

Kindergarten. Did I really just type that? What happened and how did it happen so stinking fast? I’m not ready! I can still recall shopping for crayons and construction paper in 1995 and wondering the same thing, silently sobbing in the 2.4 mile long line at Walmart while letting a little blond, blue-eyed girl add crazy stuff to the shopping cart. I guess it makes sense that your own children seem to grow up in the blur of a whirlwind, but the grandbabies? I knew better than to let that happen. It did anyway.

And so we ate Subway sandwiches while she chatted about her new neighborhood friend and her upcoming birthday party. The Big 5! Epic. I still remember getting a red tricycle for my 5th birthday and feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. She’s already got a Barbie Jeep, so what’s next? A pony? I’ll need to price those out today.

This morning I’m wondering how a heart can be so full, so thankful, and yet a little bit apprehensive, all at the same time. You see, our circle is expanding in a few short weeks and our arms will be making room for a new little bundle of joy. My grandson. I am eager to hold him close and kiss his sweet face and have meaningful chats with him, but this morning I just have one question for the universe: how am I ever going to have room enough in my heart to love him like I love Gemma?

The truth is, I don’t know.

I don’t know how I’m going to bond with him. Will it be tricky and will there be trucks involved?

I don’t know if he will want to snuggle with his Grammy during our annual Grinch party. Do little boys snuggle? How much do they love their Grammys?

I don’t know how I’m going to change my shopping patterns. Do I just buy boots and call it a day?

I don’t know how my face is going to light up when he runs into the room and brings me a frog. This is a potential problem.

I don’t know how to divide my heart into sections and if I’ll have one big enough to hand to him. Frogs and all.

I don’t know how my heart is going to cooperate at all.

So many questions. Another memory comes to mind, one that dates back to April of 1993. On this particular day, we brought another little bundle of joy home, all 8 pounds 15 ounces of sweet, sassy personality. My Lauren, my little everything, became a big sister and while I remember wondering how I was going to juggle the love, turns out I didn’t need to bother myself with worry after all. Fast forward to August of 2000. There it was again! Fresh love settling in my heart in places I didn’t know existed. It wasn’t divided, it was multiplied. The math took care of itself.

It is a mystery and it isn’t. I already love him so! I will find a way to make him love the Grinch party and his Grammy. If I’ve learned anything about God, it is that everything is going to be ok. He has the heart and the math thing covered. But the frogs? I’m just going to have to trust Him on this one.

See you soon, little man.

 

How much do I love you?

I’ll tell you no lie

How deep is the ocean?

How high is the sky?

 

How many times in a day

Do I think of you?

How many roses

Are sprinkled with dew?

 

How far would I travel

Just to be where you are?

How far is the journey

From here to a star?

 

And if I ever lost you

How much would I cry?

How deep is the ocean?

How high is the sky?

Irving Berlin

 

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